Declared My Major

So I declared my major and instead of paralegal it is accounting. I am primarily taking my general ed classes right now but some business classes. Things are busy. Kai is in all day kindergarten and Kate has preschool 2 1/2 days a week. I am carrying a full load at the college and volunteering one day a week at Kai's school. I was awarded full legal and physical custody and the kids see their dad about twice a week. They don't currently have any overnight visits with him but they are seeing him more now than they were in the past.
That's all for now. Time for homework....

Divorce, going back to school, so on and so forth

And by the way, I did finally file for divorce last month. It was a long time coming as many of you know. But the stress level is high as it is when you finalize the end of anything. Especially when there are children involved.
I did register to go back to school (again) this Fall. I initially was going to go back and get a paralegal degree for CA but am now rethinking that. I am now leaning toward Accounting. And since we are now living about 2 blocks away from the college I will be attending, I have no excuses for missing classes.
Kai is enrolled in kindergarten for this Fall. He is excited but as he told me, somewhat apprehensive. I am not too worried about him since any 5 year old who can use the word apprehensive correctly is doing okay.

Words of the day at our house are MINE and NO. Life with a 2 year old. And a 5 year old too for that matter. Kate is just crazy into the terrible twos like none of my kids have been and there are times like it seems the only two words she knows are mine and no. Seriously. And then Kai starts in with No, it's MINE. And I have flashbacks to my own childhood. There are moments when the two of them play together so nicely. And believe me, I cherish those moments because sometimes they seem so few and far apart.
And the decibel level. Why oh why oh why did I think an electric keyboard was a good thing for a 5 year old? Especially since the 2 year old loves it even more. At full volume. And how she figured out how to put House of the Rising Sun on a continuous loop on it I will never know...
Oh, Happy 4th of July everyone. Here in Moorpark where we moved in April, they celebrate the 4th on the 3rd. I guess so the City employees can have the day off on the 4th. There was a giant celebration at the park and great fireworks. Both kids stayed awake through the whole thing and had a great time. And were very well behaved. go figure.

Incredible Photos

And for anyone interested in amazing photos that remind me why I need to get out more go to http://rockslidephoto.com/ . Joe Decker has some really beautiful and haunting pictures.

Today is my birthday..

So I am 41 today. And that is not necessarily a bad thing. I received a copy of one of my favorite movies, Better Off Dead with John Cusack, who is one of my favorite actors. Now I have to wait for the kids to go to sleep to be able to watch it in peace. But I also have to stay awake...easier said than done these days.
My birthdays don't depress me. The lack of attention that is given on birthdays anymore depresses me. I try to make everybody's birthday a big fun day that is all about them. Sometimes I do it on a different day than their birthday so it is even more unexpected. Birthdays should be all about fun and having your favorite foods and being surrounded by people who love you. Libations should flow and presents should abound. I am not always able to throw a party for those I love as circumstances get in the way. And some people just plain don't like parties...
Every day should have the unexpected element. The best presents are the unexpected ones. The ones that are just because. I saw it in a window and it made me think of you. I turned a corner and there it was, screaming your name. I wish I could make everyone important to me feel like it's their birthday everyday. Especially the people who don't ever feel like it's their birthday...

Birthdays

So Sunday is my friend Roxanne's birthday. She will be 39. Again. Hey, whatever works for her. So I got the brilliant idea to throw her a surprise party. I figured I would do it the day before and then she really would be surprised. The problem though is that she just doesn't have enough friends to make it a really satisfying party. So it will be a few people showing up and surprising her at dinner time. Hey, you gotta work with what you have.
And me being me, I have made more food then necessary but I love the cooking part. Chicken Chile Verde, some 2 alarm Chili (no beans though, of course), northern and southern cornbread and Red Velvet Cake with cream cheese icing.
Myself, I will be 41 next week. And it isn't the age thing that is really getting to me. It's where I am in my life. I'm sure there are people out there who have accomplished all they have set out to accomplish. But I haven't met any of them. Nor have I met anyone who is truly happy with the way their life has turned out. We are set up to expect to be happy and satisfied and for the most part we are not.
I keep setting mandates for myself that I will stop complaining so much and try to be more satisfied with what I have. After all, there are children starving in Albania. Or Darfur or wherever it is these days.
I don't want to chase the all mighty dollar. But it would be nice to have a few more. But it is very satisfying when my two youngest kids give me big sticky hugs and tell me they love me. I do wish I could just pull out my checkbook and give my oldest daughter the wedding of her dreams. But then I also wish I could hug her a lot more often too.
My birthday present to myself is to try and want more and be happy with less. Maybe if I want things a little more, I may try a little harder. But most of all I don't want to be that girl who whines all the time. I made it through Basic Training in the US Army, I can make it through anything. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. And suck it up and drive on....

Truth in Advertising

All right, so there have been no shocking revelations or mysteries solved to date on my blog. I am still trying to decide how much of myself I am willing to put out there and still trying to get enough sleep to be able to piece together something coherent.
I have been a lot of places, met a lot of people (married a number of them...), had a few kids, and held numerous jobs. I have gone back to school more times than I can count and have yet to find a job that interests me. I have been told that I have a low threshold for boredom. I'll buy that. I have also been told that I have the attention span of a gnat. Now I'm not sure if that's entirely true but I will admit to having a problem with follow through. As the several marriages attest, I have no problem with commitment. It's the follow through. And once the boredom kicks in...then the short attention span follows right behind.
So, I just need to perhaps commit a little less and follow through a little more. I'm not sure what exactly that means but I am determined to find out. So I know I promised some insights into me and my life and have yet to follow through on that but never fear. Stay with me and I will start to show my hand. Several people have expressed their shock at my willingness to expose my private life. Several people have commented on the stupidity of it. And then there are the people who are trying to figure out how I got here and what I'm going to do about it.
Give it time people. Just give it time. Oh, and if you have suggestions, comments or questions about anything here, just leave a post. It will keep things more relevant and it will be tougher for me to dodge the tough questions. If you just email me, I may answer but I may not feel any obligation to share those answers. But it's up to you...

coffee

what did we do before coffee? seriously, I do not know how moms (or dads) can get through the morning without some form of caffeine. I know when my kids wake up before 7am, I am not ready to face the day until I've had at least one cup of caffeinated goodness.
When Ashley was born, coffee wasn't as big a deal for me. She slept through the night at 8 weeks, I think mostly thanks to my mother's rigid scheduling more than any influence from me. And I was only a teenager. I still had limitless energy. And while I grew up in Washington, which seems to be one of the coffee drinking capitals of the country, my folks didn't really drink coffee.
But now at age 40, coffee is a necessity. Kai didn't sleep through the night until he was 2 1/2 years old. Kate turned 2 in October and still isn't sleeping through the night. So I honestly haven't had a good nights sleep in over 5 years. 5 whole years. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. Kate has decided to give up her nap so I am hoping that will translate to better sleep at night. She is sure going to bed easier--she's exhausted. But then so am I.
Kids are the best. But they are better when you've had your morning (and afternoon) java.

kids

So every day with kids brings new adventures. One day they are just little babies lying on a blanket, and the next day they are climbing up your bookshelves like little monkeys. And then when you blink, they are engaged to be married. When you have kids really young, you take a lot of things for granted. You just assume that your kids will do what they should. That they will meet their milestones and what not.
As you get older, you realize that you can't leave quite so much to chance. You watch. You hover. You worry. You compare. You research. And the more you know, the more you worry.
Before the internet, you could only research so much. You couldn't spend all day at the library. Now, you can stay up all night looking up every little symptom. Before the internet, you just took the prescription from the doctor and took him at his word. Now we look up every last thing and end up with even more to worry about.
Kids are great and I would recommend to everyone that you should have at least a couple. But it's hard. And you will make mistakes. And you can't just erase them like on a test. This is real life. And they remember. You may not think they do, but they remember everything. And not necessarily the same way that you remember things either. So just keep in mind, it will all come back at you someday. They grow up and move away, but they are still your kids. And what you do shapes them. For good or bad, it does. And as parents, we need to remember that more.

day in and day out

So I decided that like everyone else out there that it was time for me to document my journeys. I decided that it was time for me to finally express myself and put myself out there for all to see. For those who know me, you might learn something new about me. For those who don't, you'll have someone else's foibles to amuse you.
I am human and have made more than my share of mistakes. My hope is to move forward and get more out of life.
This is the story of how Carrie finally grew up at 40 (hopefully).